Regrets

Catt Hatter: *She had thought, and thought about it over the past week, but she couldn't negotiate her way out of the guilt. Talking with her friends hadn't swayed it, not that she could tell them what happened. What's worse was that Alli hadn't been seen by anyone since! She needed to make things right, she had to make it up to her friend somehow. The guilt bent her neck so she stared at the floor as she made her way to Not-Allison's room. Catt knocked on the door.*

Hyde without a Jekyll:  *Not-Allison was laying in bed, with the covers over her head. She had been trying to sleep, something which she had been unsuccessful at for the past couple of weeks. The girl had been held up in her room, pouring over books, trying to find some meaning in it all. After returning to the Society from her...playdate...with Catt, the girl had spent most of her time in the library and the dinning room, eating and reading. But after Elias and then Dreamer...she couldn't bring her self to leave the safety of her room and see all the hateful eyes that surrounded her. At night, when everyone was asleep she would pour over the books and reports she had taken from the library. The tombs littered her room. Journals about HJ7 that she had borrowed from Hen overflowed the small desk in the corner and onto the floor. History texts on torture and fear were neatly stacked up by the wardrobe. And copies of the Queen's census for London were scattered about the ground near her bed. Not-Allison sat up and rubbed her eyes yawning. She was tired, so tired but she couldn't sleep. Every time the girl closed her eyes all she could see was the hatred and disappointment on all the lodgers faces. Blink. Elias. Blink. Sozo. Blink Mz. Hyde. Blink Jasper. She tried to ignore the rock that sat heavy in her gut, as she stood up. Stumbling through the papers, the girl made her way to the door and opened it rubbing her eyes.* What do you-- * She stopped short seeing Catt, stunned.*

Catt Hatter:  I need to make it up to you, *Catt blurted as quietly as she could.* Everything you did, that night. It was all undone, and you still haven't- I- I'm sorry! *Her voice was shaking as tears made her sight blur and sway.* There has to be something to make you feel better! You haven't been out of your room in a really long time, that's no life! Please! Tell me how I can make it up to you!

Hyde without a Jekyll:  I...I... * She stood there stunned. Catt...was at the door...her door. The girl hadn't planned for this to happen. She thought Catt would run but no. Catt was standing at her door, looking her in the face, crying, trying to make her feel ...better. It made no sense. After what she did, Catt should be scared not trying to help...Scared. Sozo's words echoed through her head "Ever since the accident, she hasn't felt afraid." Afraid...Catt's not scared because she can't be scared. This changed everything the girl knew. All of her experiments, projects, research had been based around fear...something that didn't work on Catt. She hadn't told the lodgers about what happened that night because she wasn't scared for her life...even after the girl had left Elias for her. Not-Allison thought this was a game of Cat and mouse but the Catt had been playing chess this whole time. And now here was Catt...standing at her door, crying, apologizing, trying to make her feel better...this went against everything that Not-Allison knew about humanity. Never before had she encountered this sort of selflessness. This selflessness was stupid. It would easily get Catt killed or back on Not-Allison's table. But Catt couldn't be killed, Hela had proved that much. What was Catt doing here? What were her motives? She's here practically begging to repeat that night. If this was a game of chess...what sort of move is this? A warm anger began to creep up to the front of the girls mind. ''Does it matter why this roach is here? If she's begging for death, then let her have it! Fulfill her wish! End her.'' But how? She can't die. She feel fear. She can feel pain but it's not the same... ''...as what happened to me. Pain isn't solely physical but can be inflicted emotionally as well. ''Then how to hurt her emotionally without hurting everyone else? ... honesty.* I...I... * She looked around the empty hallways.* Please come in...we shouldn't talk about this out here. see more

Catt Hatter:  O-okay, * Catt sniffed, stepping into the room. She heard the door click shut behind her. Whatever came next, she wasn't running.* What's first?

Hyde without a Jekyll:  First we sit down. *She gestured to a open spot on the floor and grabbed the open chair. *

Catt Hatter:  Okay. *she took the spot on the floor and waited. Looking up at Alli expectantly, her eyes still puffy from tears.*

Hyde without a Jekyll:  *She stared at Catt with sadness and longing in her eyes.* Catt...I think I should be honest with you. When I first met you, you were kind, caring, and understanding. I felt like I could trust you. We forged the bond of friendship between us. That friendship made...everything feel possible. I enjoyed our tea together. I enjoyed our talks together. I could open up to you and I knew you would listen. I....I... * She looks down at the ground.* I...miss that.

Catt Hatter:  I miss it too, *she murmured, bringing her eyes up to Alli's face. There was a glint of determination behind her ocean blue eyes.* And I'm willing to suffer whatever it takes to get back to that.

Hyde without a Jekyll:  ...but that's just it, Catt. *Her eyes grew cold and she raised her head to lock eyes with Catt.* You can't get it back. You will never be able to get it back. For the first time in 4 long years, I had a chance to save Allison, to end this nightmare. But you destroyed that, with a hug. You betrayed me and my trust. And I think what sickens me the most, is that you did it in the name friendship.

Catt Hatter:  Friendship, yes. *Catt let her gaze drop back to the floor and was quiet for a moment.* I... If I could do it over again, *her eyes shot up to meet her friend's wish a shocking ferocity.* I would still save your life. Even knowing what would happen that night, I still wouldn't let you end yourself. I'm sorry I tricked you, and I'm sorry I can't bring Al- her, back. If it were a matter of trading one for the other, I might be persuaded because you want it so badly, but she's not ready! If she were, she would say something! You'd be able to feel her presence! I know for absolute certain that if you had disappeared, if you had let that potion erase you, all that would've been left would be an empty shell. No you, no her. Just empty, and, I couldn't bear to see you like that. *She shut her eyes as fresh tears ran down her face once again.*

Hyde without a Jekyll:  *she sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose.* Because of you I am that empty shell. Because of that hug, you've already killed me. As you said "that's no life." ...and you're right. I have no life because of you. I'm hurting now...worse than ever because of you. All that suffering you did is nothing compared to the pain I feel. I made you hurt so you could understand a fraction of how I hurt. Don't you see? Letting me disappear was the kind thing to do, the merciful thing to do.

Catt Hatter:  *Catt didn't raise her head.* I saw what letting you dissapear looked like. Believe me, it was not the kind thing to do. Take whatever recompense you desire, I'd rather that than seeing you like that again.

Hyde without a Jekyll:  Here I thought you were selfless...And how do you even know what would have happened?!

Catt Hatter:  Because I was there. *She mumbled.* I went back in time to make sure that didn't happen, even with the risk of destroying the universe. I wouldn't let it happen like that.

Hyde without a Jekyll:  Like how? Like allowing me to rest in peace!? Allowing things to resume the way they should be?! Allowing the pain and suffering to end?! *Her words dripped rage. Catt had let her die...but instead of letting fate take it's course she had gone back and meddled with the universe...preventing the final chapter of her story to conclude.* Catt Hatter:  You wanted Allison to come back! *She huffed.* I figured you wouldn't want to accidentally kill her by leaving her house unattended. You're the only one who can keep her body alive, and safe until she recovers. When you let yourself "dissapear," you killed her in the process.

Hyde without a Jekyll:  *Catts words rang through her like bell, and she sat there in stunned silence for the second time that night. [ "you killed her" "you killed her" "you killed her"...I killed her...With me gone ...Allison was dead. ''But Catt could be lying...she lied about being my friend, who knows what else she might be lying about... ''I haven't heard from Allison in years-- ''--Four Years!-- ''--For all I know she could be dead! ''For all I know Catt could be lying...her move in this game of chess...her move to hurt me. ''But she might be dead...actually dead...by my hands. ''Allison's not allowed to be dead! Besides that time line never happened thanks to Catt! And I'll never know if she is dead! ''...thought it would explain a lot...it's been so long since I've heard from her-- ''because I'm in her way-- ''--or because that night...four years ago...that night... ...she died...] Tears began to well up in her eyes. If this was a game of chess, Catt just declared "Check!" Not-Allison had one last chance to save her king. She abruptly stood up the chair clattering to the floor, she raised her hand above her head, bringing it down hard and fast. The girls palm struck Catt's face.* Y-Y-YOU'RE WRONG!! SHE'S ST-STILL ALIVE!! Y-YOU HAVE T-TO BE WRONG!! *She blubbered as tears streamed down her face.*

Catt Hatter:  *Catt's head turned sharply at the impact, but she didn't retaliate. Returning the blow didn't even cross her mind.* I might be wrong now, but if I had left you to dissapear that night, she would definitely be dead. At least this time around, she's got a chance of coming back.

Hyde without a Jekyll:  A "CHANCE"?!? THAT WAS HER CHANCE!!! I'VE BEEN SIFTING THROUGH THE HJ7 DATA FOR WEEKS, *she gestures towards the journals and research that laid strewn upon her desk,* AND IT'S ONLY GIVEN ME ONE THING!! ONE! THING! *Not-Allison whipped around and slammed her forearm against the piles work sending bits of paper and books flying across the room. As the texts clattered to the floor she rested her hands on the desk, trembling, weak from the emotions. Her back was turned on Catt and her tears fell onto harsh reality of numbers and facts.*

Catt Hatter:  If you had gone through with it, it would've been her last chance. *Catt said, standing and approaching the desk. She gently laid a hand on her crying friend's back.* At least now she could have another in the future. It's still too soon to give up on her.

Hyde without a Jekyll:  *Not-Allison felt Catt's hand on her back, she didn't fight it...she's too tired, but she didn't accept it either. The girl was silent for a long time. Her tears slowly formed a puddle on the desk.* Y-you....*She finally muttered in a voice that was barely audible. Her salty tears began to worm their way toward the edge of the table.* ...you still d-don't get it....t-that was her last chance. *The tears hit the edge. They pushed against the wooden lip, building up, fighting the final barrier.* ...t-the longer...the longer I'm here--the longer we stay like this...the farther she drifts away. *The liquid climbed up over the wood, and fell into oblivion.*

Catt Hatter:  If she is drifting away, then maybe she needs someone to go after her. *She began rubbing Alli's back.* Like when someone is drowning and being pulled out to sea, they can't save themselves. They can't even tell which way would take them back to shore. The only chance is if someone can reach them and guide them back to safety. *Catt held the distraught mash of an experiment close.* I know you can save her.

Hyde without a Jekyll:  *She didn't look at the papers or at Catt.* You Still don't Understand! I can't save her because I'm what's killing her! I'm the ocean she's drowning in! A human that is neither one nor two shouldn't--can't exist! The body will try to establish a balance by purging the-the weaker mind... *Her hands clinched into fists against the desk.* ...th-these past four years my mind, my body, has slowly been eating away and killing Allison's. ...I-I don't want to hurt her...but I can't stop...Suffering, pain, torment. It's all I know. I-It's all I can do. ...My death...me disappearing...is the only thing I can do to correct the sins I've committed. I-Its the only way to end the pain...everyone's pain.

Catt Hatter:  But you dieing didn't work. You both just ended up dead! She didn't even last a week! *Catt squeezed her tightly.* Maybe there's some other way to give her the space to recover, but you have to be around to find it!

Hyde without a Jekyll:  *Her voice quivered with sorrow and tears and her body began to tremble as sobs try to fight their way out.* I-If I'm around then I'm only hurting her more, yo--everyone more. Even if you are telling the t-truth about Allison dying at least she'll finally be able to rest in p-peace instead pieces!

Catt Hatter:  *Catt was at a loss. As much as she knew letting her die wasn't the right solution, she lacked even an inkling of what an alternate plan could be. She held on to her friend, and to impossible hope as her own eyes ran over with tears.* I, I know it doesn't look like there's a solution right now. But there has to be a better option!

Hyde without a Jekyll:  *Solution. That word draped around the girl like a blanket. She wanted there to be a solution...any solution now that she had none. She wanted comforted, she wanted to hug Catt, she wanted to be told "Everything's going to be okay." even though she knew it was a lie. Nothing was ever going to be okay. Her last bit of hope...the last thing she truly loved was dead. She had only kept her body alive because killing herself would kill Allison as well. But Allison was dead...or soon to be. There was no point for restraint anymore. The girl was at a fork in the road. She could travel the path lead by Catt's words of false hope or she could accept the truth.* * She was silent for a long time.* ...I'm out of options you've confirmed this... *Every word was a struggle.*

Catt Hatter:  Living counts as an option! Living until the answer is found is always an option! * Catt pleaded, she didn't want Alli to feel so awful, that she wasn't worth having around.* And there's everyone here who can help you search if you'll just ask them!

Hyde without a Jekyll:  ...I-I did ask them...*She slumps to the floor, her back propped against the desk, surrounded by research and census.* ...and they helped me find the answer...*She gestures to the work that Hen had given her.*

Catt Hatter:  It's worth waiting for a better answer though. The first one you find isn't always the right answer, in fact it most often isn't!

Hyde without a Jekyll:  ...This wasn't my first answer...my first solution...my first attempt.

Catt Hatter:  Then surely you know how important it is to not give up.

Hyde without a Jekyll:  But why continue to search when the answer is in front of you already?

Catt Hatter:  Because there is more than one answer, because some new discovery or invention may change the variables! There are many reasons to keep going!

Hyde without a Jekyll:  How long then? How long do you continue to trudge through the muck of life in search for something that doesn't exist?

Catt Hatter:  Until you find it, because usually you find it before you've gone through the entire world and searched every nuance of the variables. Even something that seems too insignificant to make a difference can sometimes be the exact aspect that changes the whole problem!

Hyde without a Jekyll:  How can you be so confident? Do you know this from experience? Do you know that there is an answer out there or are we doomed to roam the earth looking for a fairy tale?

Catt Hatter:  I, believe there is purpose in searching. Sometimes it's the journey that makes it all worth while more than the destination. But I think it's very important to stay resolutely hopeful. *Catt sighed, resting a comforting hand on Alli's shoulder.* You never know what might exist, all fairy tales have their roots in truth after all.

Hyde without a Jekyll:  Truth? Fiction? What does it matter when both are tainted? *She picks up a census lying near by.* Truth, 40% chance that a baby could die. Truth, 50% of murders go unsolved. Truth, Allison is dead. The only difference between truth and fiction is that we use one to mask the horror of the other!

Catt Hatter:  And what's so wrong with that? People need something good to believe in, even if it's small or impossible.

Hyde without a Jekyll:  *She sits there silently letting the tears flow freely as she looks at the census.*

Catt Hatter:  *Catt sat down beside her and put an arm around her shoulders.* Hey, do you want to try it? A little hope can go a long way, we could even try believing in the impossible together if you like?

Hyde without a Jekyll:  I-I... * The girl wanted to say yes.* ...I don't think I'll be able to survive the pain when the hope fades away.

Catt Hatter:  That's why it's important to have more than one thing to believe in. And having someone else who believes in at least some of the same things you do, means you can go to them for encouragement if hope starts to run dry.

Hyde without a Jekyll:  ...What will we use as hope if there's nothing left to believe in? *Tears continue to fall from her face as she looked at the picture of Allison on the nightstand.*

Catt Hatter:  Anything you want! As long as it can bring a smile to your face, and gives you the courage to face each new day. *Catt gave her a gentle squeeze.* It can even be impossible. Like, believing that there are other worlds beyond our own, that every story you've ever read did actually happen somewhere, or that the dead can come back to life. That despite all odds and evidence, Allison still has a chance to come back.

Hyde without a Jekyll:  *The girl turned and threw her arms around Catt's torso and cried into her shoulder. It was a hug. She wanted to believe in Catt's words, believe that Allison could come back to life, believe the impossible could happen, believe that all would be forgiven. Is this what hope is? The girl wanted to hide from reality for it's face was too ugly and scarred to confront. She buried her head into Catt's shirt blocking out all but the sounds of her sobs and relentless beating of Catt's heart. The allure of dreams, belief, and fantasy was to great to resist any longer and she surrendered, whispering to herself the words she longed to hear, longed to believe, over and over again.* Everything is going to fine. Everything is going to fine. Everything is going to fine.

Catt Hatter:  More than that my dear, you're going to be okay. *She did her best to keep her voice soft, but the tears were making that difficult as she clasped her friend tightly.* And so is Allison. Shh, I've got you.

Hyde without a Jekyll:  *Sitting in the safety of Catt's arms, the girl open the flood gates of emotions. She let all it all out, the pain, the sadness, the longing, the relief. She didn't wail or kick or scream but instead clung to Catt for life, for hope, for belief and cried.*

Catt Hatter:  *Beyond words, Catt merely cradled her. And gently rocking, she began to hum a soothing and melancholy tune. The sound drifted around the stacks of papers and mounds of books, carrying their shared feelings to rest on the nearest wishing star.*

Hyde without a Jekyll:  *She buried herself deeper into Catt's hug while the melody soothed her. As time passed her tears ran dry and her body was left weak from the departing emotions.*

Catt Hatter:  Hey, *Catt said quietly once the tears had subsided.* Feel better?

Hyde without a Jekyll:  *The girl gave a weak smile.* ...Not entirely, but ...thank you.

Catt Hatter:  Hey, that's what friends are for. *Catt smiled warmly.* I'm here for you no matter what!

Hyde without a Jekyll:  F-Friends? * She looked up at Catt hopeful but confused.*

Catt Hatter:  Yeah, friends. *Catt raised an eyebrow.* You didn't think I'd stop being your friend over something so small did you?

Hyde without a Jekyll:  *She looked at the ground, ashamed.* ...I thought you did....I thought you would...

Catt Hatter:  You're too important for me to let that get in the way of us being friends.

Hyde without a Jekyll:  *If the girl had any tears left she would have shed them right there, instead she choked out her next word through a smile.* ...Friends...

Catt Hatter:  Forever. * Catt agreed, hooking her little finger through Alli's.* That's a promise.

Hyde without a Jekyll:  *She squeezed Catt's finger with hers and echoed.* Forever.

Catt Hatter:  *Catt stood, helping Alli to her feet.* I should probably get going.

Hyde without a Jekyll:  Oh...*She looked at the floor saddened but her thoughts were interrupted by a yawn.*...okay.

Catt Hatter:  *Catt paused at the sad expression on her face.* Did you want me to stay?

Hyde without a Jekyll:  *She thought about it for a moment but then shook her head.* ...No. We both need some rest...*She shuffled to her bed and began to collect the Census that littered it.*

Catt Hatter:  I'll help you clear the bed at least, *she walked over and started moving the tomes to the desk.*

Hyde without a Jekyll:  Thank you! * They quickly cleaned off the bed but the girl seemed to be sided tracked by the Census reading each one, looking through the pages for something...*

Catt Hatter:  That looks like that's it. Well, *she turned to leave.* Have a good night!

Hyde without a Jekyll:  Night...*The girl said absent mildly as the article she held had caught her eye. Just as Catt passed through the thresh hold the girl spoke, realization in her voice.* Alice.

Catt Hatter:  *Catt turned and smiled at her newly reconciled friend.* Nice to meet you Alice, pleasant dreams. *and she closed the door.*

Obtained From
[https://disqus.com/home/discussion/channel-theroleplayingscientists/role_playing_page_for_pg_63/ Role-Playing page for pg. 63!]